Star Wars: The Phantom Parody
by Feeding-The-Wolves
Summary: Since I already finished writing parodies of AOTC and ROTS, I figured I should try writing a parody of TPM as well! So, here it is...it's funny, I promise!
1. Aggressive Communications

**Hi! Guess what? I'm writing another parody! Yay! I never intended to write parodies of all three Star Wars prequels, but since I had plenty of time on my hands last year, I decided to tackle The Phantom Menace (In true George Lucas style, I wrote them in reverse order!). Unfortunately, I may not have time to continue writing it this year, since I'll be at university, but I thought I'd publish what I've written anyway. I've got eight chapters so far.**

**Keep in mind that my parodies don't follow on from each other, so Obi-Wan's character in this story is really different to his character in my two other stories.**

**Anyway, I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, plotlines or settings of Star Wars, nor do I own **_**Keeping Up With The Kardashians **_**(yeah, I actually mentioned that in this chapter), Facebook, or Lady Gaga's music. My disclaimers are always really weird.**

**Here it is!**

_A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..._

_There is great unrest throughout the Galactic Republic. Taxation of trade routes is in dispute, planetary systems are threatening to declare war on one another, and Galactic citizens are being swamped by bad reality television programs. Far from attempting to solve these grave problems, the members of the Senate are too busy discussing the latest developments in the aforementioned reality TV shows. _

_Meanwhile, a disagreement between the Trade Federation and the small, peaceful planet of Naboo is rapidly spiralling out of control. The corrupt leaders of the Trade Federation have set up a blockade of battleships around Naboo, and refused to allow anyone off the planet until Queen Amidala of the Naboo apologises for insulting Viceroy Nute Gunray's mother. As the members of the Senate are too busy debating which is the best Kardashian sister, the Jedi Council have decided to send a Jedi team to resolve the conflict. Due to the fact that their most accomplished Jedi Knights are all otherwise occupied, they have been forced to send the spectacularly useless Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his slightly more competent apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. It was a far safer option than allowing them to stay at the Jedi Temple, where Qui-Gon had already accidentally burned down his living quarters while attempting to cook breakfast._

Chapter 1: Aggressive Communications

A few parsecs away from the planet Naboo, a small red transport glided through space. Inside the cockpit, two pilots and two tall men wearing drab brown robes were watching the inexplicable yellow words sail away from them.

"Why is there a synopsis floating through space?" asked one of the bewildered pilots.

"Oh, it's just the Force messing with our minds," the shorter man explained. He was young, perhaps in his twenties, and rather handsome, with shortly cropped brown hair and clear blue eyes. A long, thin braid hung from the side of his head, indicating that he was still a Jedi apprentice.

The taller man spoke up indignantly. "How dare the Force call me 'spectacularly useless'? I spend my whole life slaving away, working towards galactic peace, and then- ow!"

Qui-Gon gingerly rubbed the spot on his head where the thunderbolt had just struck him. He was much older than his apprentice; his long, brown hair and beard were beginning to go grey. According to the old adage, wisdom comes with age, but in Qui-Gon's case, wisdom had not yet arrived and it was very unlikely that it ever would.

"That'll teach you to question the powers that be," said the first man, smirking.

"I'm not useless, am I, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon whined.

"Of course not, Master," Obi-Wan lied obediently.

"And about that fire I started," Qui-Gon continued. "It wasn't my fault the toaster exploded! Also, what are we supposed to be doing here again?"

His apprentice sighed. "We're supposed to be settling the conflict between the Trade Federation and the people of Naboo. Didn't you see what those floating words said?"

"What words?"

Instead of wasting any more time talking to his Master, Obi-Wan began to reflect smugly on the Force's description of him as "slightly more competent". This was probably the highest praise he had ever received from anyone.

In the centre of the beautiful city of Theed - the capital of Naboo - stood the Royal Palace. It was an ostentatious building; a sprawling mass of marble and sandstone. Inside the Palace, the young Queen Padmé Amidala of Naboo was relaxing in her living quarters. She was a petite, slender fourteen-year-old with chocolate brown eyes and hair. All in all, she was a very pretty girl. Unfortunately, this was just about her only attribute; she was literally just a pretty face.

A few months ago, she had been elected Queen of the Naboo by a landslide majority. After the previous monarch had passed away in a tragic lawn bowling accident, the royal advisors had been desperate to elect a new ruler. The sudden descent of the bowling ball from the roof of the clubhouse was attributed to a strong gust of wind, and the investigation was dropped.

Only an hour after the accident, young Padmé Amidala, the daughter of a nobleman, had turned up at the Royal Palace and asked to be considered as a candidate for the new monarch. Dismissing the slightly suspicious fact that she was wearing a lawn bowling uniform at the time, the advisors had accepted her proposal, and called elections.

Today, the young Queen was lying on her bed, wearing a hydrating face mask made out of something green and slimy and talking to one of her friends on the phone. Apparently there was a problem with some Federation, but Padmé was too busy with important teenager business to care.

There was a knock at the door to Padmé's quarters, and the voice of Panaka, the captain of the Palace Guard, came from outside the room.

"Your Highness, may I come in? There's something very important I need to discuss with you."

Padmé sat up abruptly and quickly terminated the conversation with her friend. She had a crush on the young, burly Captain of the Guard. Perhaps he was finally going to confess his secret feelings for her!

"Come in, Panaka!" Padmé called, arranging herself into a seductive pose on the bed.

Captain Panaka opened the door and stepped into the room. He was a large, dark-skinned man, dressed in the maroon leather tunic, pants and cap of the Royal Guard. When he saw Padmé, his eyes widened in shock and he stepped back quickly. The young Queen smiled flirtatiously, assuming that he had simply been caught off guard by her beauty. She had completely forgotten that her face was still covered in green gunk.

Recovering from his shock, Panaka came to stand beside the Queen's bed. "Your Highness, the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around Naboo."

Padmé pouted, a little disappointed that Panaka was not declaring deep, passionate love for her.

"Wouldn't you like to sit down and talk?" she simpered, patting the bed beside her.

"Your Highness, this is a serious matter!" Panaka cried, pacing agitatedly up and down the room. "We must inform Senator Palpatine of this, so that he can file an official complaint in the Senate."

"I love it when you talk politics!" Padmé giggled. "Anyway, I need to call my friend back. We can talk later, Panaka."

The Captain shook his head and walked away while Padmé began to whisper excitedly into the phone. As she was describing a particular gleam in Panaka's eyes which she liked to believe was desire (it was actually annoyance), the line suddenly went dead, and her ear was filled with a buzzing noise. Frowning, Padmé tapped the phone's screen; when this yielded no result, she bashed it against her bedside table. This did not fix the phone, although it did leave a large dent in the furniture.

"Panaka!" yelled Padmé. "Can you come back in here for a minute?"

The Captain of the Guard entered the room a few moments later, looking wearied. "What is it, Your Highness?"

"My phone isn't working."

"Have you tried hitting it?" Panaka suggested. Like his Queen, he knew little about technology.

Padmé replied that she had.

Panaka pressed his lips together grimly. "They've jammed our communications."

"Those bastards!" Padmé snarled. "I'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget!"

She seized the battered phone and began to compile an angry text message.

"There," Padmé snapped, face flushed with anger. She thrust the phone at Panaka, who looked apprehensively at the screen. The text message read: "U guys suck. Go back 2 ur own planet, u todes."

Panaka sighed and handed the phone back to his Queen. "Your Highness, _all _communications have been jammed. That includes texting."

"Oh," said Padmé, looking disappointed. "Well, I'll have to find some other way to insult them, then."

As Padmé struggled to think of some way of communicating with someone without using a mobile phone or Facebook, the massive TV screen on the wall in front of the bed flickered, and the leaders of the Trade Federation appeared. Nute Gunray and his associate Rune Haako were dressed in rich robes and elaborate headdresses, but their fine attire could not disguise the fact that Padmé's description of them as toads was very accurate.

"Greetings, Queen Amidala," said Nute Gunray, sneering.

Padmé spun around to face the screen; Nute and Rune started in surprise.

"Oh... I am sorry, I did not realise you were- er, one of us," Nute stammered.

"What?" Padmé snapped. "I am not one of _you_!"

"But your skin... your beautiful, green skin," Nute murmured, licking his lips slightly.

Padmé grabbed her phone and looked at her reflection in its shiny metal casing. "Oh! You idiots, that's my face mask!"

"Ah." Nute's face turned a nasty purple colour as he blushed. _Lucky I didn't go ahead and ask her to perform the mating ritual with me._

"Anyway," he said, regaining his composure, "You may have noticed that we just shut down all of your communication systems. We have temporarily restored them in order to contact you."

"Oh, good!" Padmé flipped her phone open, selected the text message she had compiled only moments before, and pressed "send".

The sound of Lady Gaga's new single blared from the screen's speakers as Nute's phone began to signal that he had received a message. He pulled it out of his pocket and glanced at the screen.

"Hey!" Nute closed his phone with an angry snap and glared at Padmé. "You insulted my mother, and now you are insulting me! The people of your planet will suffer thanks to your abusive text messages. Also, you spelt toad wrong."

Padmé rolled her eyes. "God, you sound like my English teacher!"

"Take back what you said, or you'll be sorry!" Nute warned.

"No, I won't take it back!" Padmé snapped, ignoring the way Panaka was frenetically drawing his finger across his throat.

"Well, then we'll have to invade Naboo, I'm afraid."

"Fine, you do that."

"I will."

"Okay," said Padmé indifferently. "But I should warn you that we have a planetary defence system."

Nute hesitated for a moment, staring warily at his opponent. "You're bluffing."

"Go ahead and invade Naboo," Padmé snapped. "You guys are going to get _owned_!"

Grinning smugly, she reached forward and pressed a button, terminating the communication. There was a slight moan from behind her; Panaka slumped down onto the bed, looking horrified.

"What's wrong?" asked Padmé. "I thought I handled that very well."

"Your Highness, we don't have a planetary defence system."

"Oh." The young Queen was silent for a moment as she considered their situation. "Well, I'm sure you and your guards can take care of things."

"Um... I don't think that's possible," said Panaka awkwardly. "You see, we're not actually trained guards."

Padmé glared suspiciously at him. "Then what _are _you?"

"We're male strippers."

"Great." Padmé exhaled loudly. "Well, maybe you could scare the Trade Federation armies away."

Panaka shrugged. "Sure. We could give it a go. I'll go tell the boys to get their costumes ready."

Padmé flopped back onto her bed with an exhausted sigh. Being Queen was turning out to be a lot more difficult than she'd expected... but on the bright side, she now had a legitimate reason to ask Panaka to wear a fireman costume.

**So, what did you think? Please review and tell me if you like it so far! Oh, and if you haven't read my other Star Wars parodies, feel free to check them out as well; my parody of ROTS is completely finished, and AOTC has one chapter left to go. Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be up soon.**


	2. The Control Ship

**Guess what? I'm going to university on the 19****th****! I'll be staying in a college, which will be scary since I've never lived away from home. :S It sounds like it's going to be fun though!**

**Anyway, here's the second chapter. It's annoyingly short, but the next chapter is called Exploding Cuckoo Clock, so hopefully that will make up for it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Star Wars, etc etc.**

When Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan disembarked from their ship, a gleaming silver protocol droid was waiting for them.

"Welcome, Jedi," the droid greeted them, in a cool, feminine voice. "My name is TC-14. Please follow me."

Stiletto heels clicking on the polished durasteel floor, TC-14 walked away. Qui-Gon set off after her immediately, casting an appreciative eye over the droid's figure. As his Master walked away, Obi-Wan caught hold of his sleeve.

"Master!" he hissed. "What if it's a trap?"

Qui-Gon snorted, not taking his eyes off TC-14's retreating back. "Obi-Wan, I would know immediately if this was a trap. I have a seventh sense about these things."

"Don't you mean a sixth sense?"

"No," Qui-Gon replied matter-of-factly, shaking Obi-Wan's hand off his sleeve. "My sixth sense is that I can instinctively recognise the Chosen One at first sight."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Master, you identify at least three Chosen Ones during every mission. You've never actually been right."

"I will be one day, Obi-Wan," the Jedi Master said calmly. "And then you'll be eating your words." He began to stride away down the corridor in the wake of TC-14. Suppressing a groan, Obi-Wan reluctantly followed him.

The protocol droid led the two Jedi to a small reception room. A large table stood in the centre of the room, surrounded by chairs, and the wall opposite the door held a wide viewport, through which could be seen the southern hemisphere of Naboo. Qui-Gon struck up a conversation with TC-14, while Obi-Wan walked slowly over to the viewport and gazed out at the planet.

"So," said Qui-Gon, smiling at the protocol droid. "What's a pretty girl like you doing on the Trade Federation control ship?"

TC-14 giggled nervously and simpered, "I'll get you some drinks."

Once the droid had left the room, Obi-Wan walked back over to his Master's side. "That was actually a very clever idea," he said, unable to hide his surprise. "If you form an acquaintance with the protocol droid, you could gain some information from her about the Trade Federation."

Qui-Gon stared blankly at his apprentice. "Huh? I was just flirting with her."

"Oh." Obi-Wan sighed wearily.

A minute later, TC-14 walked back in, carrying a silver tray of drinks.

"Thanks, sweetheart," said Qui-Gon, winking roguishly at the droid. She giggled again and hurried out of the room.

The moment the door slid shut behind TC-14, Obi-Wan seized one of the glasses off the tray and held it up to the light, looking for traces of powder.

"I don't think we should drink these," he remarked. "They could be-"

There was a thud as Qui-Gon toppled off his chair and onto the floor.

"Poisoned," Obi-Wan finished with a sigh.

Meanwhile on the bridge of the control ship, Nute Gunray was breathless with panic. "What? What did you say?" he gasped, gazing in horror at TC-14.

"The ambassadors are Jedi Knights, sir," the droid repeated. "And the older one seemed to really like me! Frankly I was more interested in his apprentice, but-"

"Shut up!" snapped Nute. He wiped sweat from his forehead with a shaking hand. "We're screwed!"

Unlike his colleague, Rune did not seem to be in a state of sheer terror. "No, we're not. We put sleeping pills in those drinks we sent to the Jedi, remember?"

This did not reassure Nute in the slightest. "No Jedi would be stupid enough to accept drinks from an enemy!" Completely unaware of how untrue that statement was, Nute let out a hollow groan. "Well, at least I have health insurance. We must contact Lord Sidious immediately."

Rune nodded and flicked a switch on a nearby hologram transmitter. A few moments later, the pale blue outline of Darth Sidious appeared. His entire body was enveloped in a dark cloak; even his face was concealed by a hood. Only his thin, twisted mouth was visible.

"What is it?" Sidious snapped. "Are you worrying about that crack in the main viewport again? I told you, you'll be perfectly safe as long as you don't tap on the glass."

"No, my Lord," said Nute hastily. "A slight hitch has arisen in our plan."

"Has it? Well, make it quick; I'm just about to take my new apprentice to the movies."

Nute cleared his throat nervously and mopped his brow again. "Chancellor Valorum has sent two Jedi Knights to stop us, my Lord."

Sidious was silent for a moment. Although it was difficult to tell, since his face was concealed, Nute thought he was a little unnerved. "Ah. Yes, that is a problem. Anyone know how we could solve it?"

Nute and Rune both frowned thoughtfully. After a few moments of silence, Rune cried out triumphantly. "Aha! I've got it! Do you remember those cuckoo clocks with the explosives inside that we used to kill that foreign dignitary at the cuckoo clock convention?"

"Yes," said Sidious slowly.

"Well, have we got any of those left?"

Nute nodded excitedly. "I have one in my bedchamber."

"Go and get it, then," Sidious ordered.

"Wait," said Rune. "I think I see a problem. Won't the Jedi think it's a bit strange if we walk in carrying a cuckoo clock?"

Sidious mulled this over for a moment. "Damn! I knew there was something I was overlooking. Well, never mind. Just tell them it's a gift from the Trade Federation."

Satisfied that the issue had been resolved, Nute hurried away to collect the clock.

"Well, I think we're in the clear now," said Sidious, smiling. "That really was an excellent idea of mine, to use the exploding cuckoo clock."

Rune blinked uncomprehendingly. "But... that was my idea!"

"Was it?" said Sidious quietly, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes!"

The Sith Lord raised his eyebrows even further, glaring menacingly at the Neimoidian. "_Was it?_"

"Ye... no."

At that point Nute returned, carrying a large wooden clock and grinning exultantly. "Here it is!"

"Excellent!" Sidious murmured. "Now, I have to go; I don't want to miss the previews."

The hologram of the Sith Lord disappeared, and Nute and Rune grinned at each other.

"This should be fun!" Nute chuckled. "When the clock strikes two and the little bird shoots out, the Jedi will be dead."

**:O What did you think? Hopefully you like it as much as you liked the first chapter. Reviews, please! :)**


	3. Exploding Cuckoo Clock

**Good news, everyone: I finally managed to publish the third chapter! Sorry it's been taking me so long to publish things; I moved into college on the 19****th**** of February, and I just started university lectures on Monday. While we're on the subject: I absolutely love it! Seriously, if you're Australian (or even if you're not; we get a lot of exchange students) and you're planning to go to university, come to Union College at the University of Queensland. It's so much fun! Oh, and I'm studying Speech Pathology, for anyone who's interested.**

**Right. Back to the story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, etc etc. I don't own "The Chronicles of Narnia" either, or the movie "Eat Pray Love".**

Much to Obi-Wan's relief, the drink did not appear to have harmed Qui-Gon in any way. However, he had fallen into a deep sleep; the drink must have contained some kind of sleeping pill, Obi-Wan deduced. The only thing the young Jedi could do was sit, wait and hold down the tray of drinks which was threatening to tip over as Qui-Gon's snores shook the room.

About ten minutes later, the door slid open and TC-14 stepped into the room. When she saw Qui-Gon lying prostrate on the floor, she gasped.

"Don't worry," Obi-Wan reassured her. "He always does that."

As he finished speaking, Obi-Wan noticed that the droid was holding what appeared to be a cuckoo clock. "What is that?" he asked, frowning.

"A cuckoo clock," TC-14 replied.

"I thought so. What are you doing with it?"

"It's- er, a gift to the Jedi from the Trade Federation," TC-14 stammered, holding out the clock.

Obi-Wan accepted the gift, offering an awkward expression of gratitude. As soon as he was alone, he placed the clock carefully on the table and regarded it warily. On a hunch, he pried open the back of the clock. Sure enough, sitting amongst the cogs and wheels was a tiny bomb.

Once he had carefully closed the little hatch on the back of the clock, Obi-Wan leapt away from the table and ran to the door; it was locked. He turned, looking wildly around the room, and his eyes fell on a small storage cupboard. Obi-Wan didn't need to think twice. He seized Qui-Gon by the legs and shoved him into the cupboard, then squashed himself into the cramped space and closed the door behind him. Only moments later, a massive explosion shook the room as the clock bomb detonated.

Obi-Wan waited thirty seconds before he left the cupboard; he always liked to wait thirty seconds, just in case. When he was sure it was safe, he opened the door cautiously and peered out. The table and chairs had been blown apart, and the room was strewn with fragments of the cuckoo clock. _What a shame_, Obi-Wan thought ruefully. _It was quite a nice clock. _To make matters even worse, the doors suddenly slid open to reveal a troop of Battle Droids.

Igniting his lightsaber, Obi-Wan leaped towards the droids and began to reduce them to piles of smoking metal. He was used to having to do this on his own; Qui-Gon was too absent-minded to be much use during battles.

As he hooked his lightsaber back onto his belt, Obi-Wan's comlink signalled. Apparently Qui-Gon had regained consciousness.

"Obi-Wan," he said urgently, not even waiting for his apprentice to greet him. "I don't want to alarm you, but... I'm not sure where I am."

"Master," Obi-Wan sighed, "You're in a storage cupboard."

For a few seconds, Qui-Gon was silent. Then he said, with barely controlled excitement, "Only the Chosen One could have that kind of universal knowledge."

Obi-Wan allowed himself to moan quietly. "Master, I am not the Chosen One."

"Are you sure? I am very rarely wrong about these things."

"Don't you think I would know if I had any special powers?" Obi-Wan snapped. "Wait there; I'll come and let you out. Oh, and don't go near the back of the cupboard... you might fall into Narnia."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Qui-Gon huffed.

Chuckling at his own excellent joke, Obi-Wan went to release his Master from the cupboard. When he saw the carnage the bomb had caused in the reception room, Qui-Gon's mouth fell open.

"What happened?" he gasped, bending over to pick up a fragment of wood.

"They sent us a cuckoo clock with explosives inside it," said Obi-Wan grimly.

Qui-Gon shook his head and tutted. "The old exploding cuckoo clock, eh? That's the oldest trick in the book; how could they possibly think we'd fall for that? Well, let's go and confront these bastards."

On the bridge, tempers were running high. Nute Gunray was less than pleased to discover that he had wasted a perfectly good cuckoo clock in a failed attempt to kill the Jedi.

"Damn!" he shouted, pounding his fist on the control panel. "Now what do we do?"

Rune shrugged helplessly. "Don't ask me. Ask Lord Sidious."

"Good idea," Nute muttered feverishly. He pulled his phone out of his pocket with shaking hands and began to tap swiftly on the buttons. A few moments after he had sent his message, Lady Gaga began to play again, signalling that Lord Sidious had sent a reply. Nute read the message aloud. "He says, 'For God's sake, just kill the Jedi, then invade Naboo. Now leave me alone, I'm busy watching _Eat Pray Love_.'"

"Fair enough," said Rune briskly. "I'll give the order to begin the invasion."

Before the Neimoidians could take any further action, there was a loud buzzing sound, and a glowing bar of light began to slice a hole in the door.

"It's too late!" Rune yelped. "The Jedi have come to force a settlement!"

The buzzing ceased, and Qui-Gon's muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door. "Hey, Viceroy! We've come to force a settlement!" He wasn't quite sure what this meant, but he had heard the Neimoidian say it, so it had to be good.

"What should we do?" Rune gasped, eyes wide with horror.

"Have we got any more of those clocks?"

In the corridor outside the bridge, Qui-Gon was busy carving his name in the door with his lightsaber, while his apprentice stayed alert for possible enemy attacks. After a few minutes of silence from the bridge, a pair of green Neimoidian hands squeezed through the hole in the door and lowered a cuckoo clock to the floor. Completely unperturbed, Qui-Gon stooped over to pick it up.

"Uh, thankyou," he called, bending over to look through the hole in the door, and giving the Trade Federation leaders a cheery wave.

It was then that Obi-Wan turned and spotted the cuckoo clock. His heart leaped into his mouth.

"Master, put the clock down gently and run," said Obi-Wan, fighting to keep the panic out of his voice.

Shrugging carelessly, Qui-Gon did as his apprentice asked, and the two Jedi sprinted away down the corridor.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon panted as they ran, "Why are we running?"

His question was answered by a boom as the clock exploded.

"Master, why did you pick up that clock?" Obi-Wan cried, bending over to catch his breath.

"Well, I was being polite," said Qui-Gon defensively. "The Trade Federation gave me a gift! I mean, the clock was pretty ugly, but it's the thought that counts."

Rather than continue the argument, Obi-Wan decided it would be best to just let it go. He began to focus all his energy on looking for an escape. As he scanned the corridor, he spotted a grate on the wall nearby, which presumably led to a ventilation shaft.

"We can escape through there," Obi-Wan suggested, pointing to the grate.

"Excellent idea, Obi-Wan," said Qui-Gon. "Obviously I've taught you well."

The Jedi Master detached the grate from the wall and put it down carefully, then said, "Give me a boost, Padawan."

Obi -Wan grabbed hold of his Master's legs and shoved him into the ventilation shaft, perhaps a little too roughly. Then, he dragged himself up after him, and the two Jedi began to crawl through the cramped tunnels.

**Sorry about the boring ending, but hopefully you liked the rest of the chapter. Reviews? :) Also, I promise that I'll publish the next chapter as quickly as I can. **


	4. Invasion Of Naboo

**Wow, it's been so long since I've posted anything! Sorry about that! How's everyone been going? I've been busy with university stuff. Anyway, here is the 4****th**** chapter of this parody; hope you like it!**

After twenty minutes of crawling through the cramped ventilation shafts, Obi-Wan's knees were aching, and he was fed up with staring at his Master's behind. He was about ten minutes away from insanity when Qui-Gon said excitedly, "Here's an opening!"

There was a scraping sound as Qui-Gon pulled the grate out of the way, and then a yelp as he toppled through the opening. Obi-Wan crawled forwards and peered down at his Master, who appeared unharmed by his fall. He was lying on the duracrete floor of a huge hangar filled with dozens of Trade Federation droid transports. There were two conjectures Obi-Wan could make from this sight: one, his Master was an idiot; and two, the Federation was planning to invade Naboo.

Obi-Wan moved forwards and slid through the opening feet-first, rather than head-first as his Master had done. He landed in a crouch next to Qui-Gon, who had concealed himself behind the nearest droid transport ship.

"What do you suppose these ships are for, Obi-Wan?" asked Qui-Gon, gazing out at the busy hangar.

"It's an invasion army," Obi-Wan replied grimly.

"Is it really? Well, that is completely unacceptable! Someone should do something about it!"

Obi-Wan sighed wearily, for about the thousandth time that day. "Master, _we _are doing something about it _right now_!"

"Oh, are we? Well, that's good."

To Obi-Wan's relief, the entry hatch of the ship in front of them was open. "Master, look!" he whispered, pointing at the hatch.

"Good thinking, Obi-Wan," said Qui-Gon, nodding approvingly. "That ship has no license plate. We could report the Trade Federation to the Department of Space Travel and get them arrested."

"No," Obi-Wan sighed. "The entry hatch is open. We could sneak into the ship and hitch a ride to Naboo."

"Oh." Qui-Gon thought this over for a moment. "Yes, alright. Let's do that."

There were hundreds of Battle Droids marching around the hangar, but they were all too busy to notice two hooded figures slip into a droid transport. It wasn't long before the Trade Federation invasion fleet was on its way to Naboo, with two stowaways on board.

Padmé was sitting on her elaborate gold throne, getting a manicure from one of her handmaidens, when she became aware of a distant rumbling sound. She sat up straight in her chair, frowning.

"Sabé, what is that noise? It isn't thunder, is it?"

The young handmaiden stood up and peered out the window at the rolling green hills in the distance. "I'm not sure, Your Highness."

Padmé stood up and joined Sabé at the window. "Either those giant animals from the hills are stampeding again, or some huge-ass ships are coming this way."

As the two girls watched, a hulking metallic shape appeared on the horizon, followed by another, and then dozens more.

"Tanks!" said Padmé, pointing a well-manicured finger in the direction of the approaching transports. Sabé gave a terrified gasp and hurried towards the door, where she ran smack-bang into Panaka.

"Your Highness! Those huge animals are stampeding again!" he cried, pointing at the window.

"No, they're not," Padmé corrected him patiently. "They're tanks."

"Oh, thank God," Panaka sighed, relieved. "Wait a minute- tanks? That means the Trade Federation is invading!"

"Well, this is your time to shine, Panaka," said Padmé. "Get your team of male strippers together and fend them off while I hide under the table."

Panaka nodded obediently and ran out of the room, while Padmé and Sabé crawled under the table in front of the throne. As the Federation tanks rolled into the city and headed towards the Palace, Padmé ordered Sabé to continue her manicure. If she was going to be captured and imprisoned, she might as well look good doing it.

About fifteen minutes later Captain Panaka returned, wearing a fireman's uniform. His costume was slightly scorched and torn in some places, and he appeared to be a little shell-shocked.

"Well?" asked Padmé impatiently. "How did it go?"

"To be honest, not all that well," Panaka admitted. "I don't think they liked our act."

"Really? What gave you that idea?"

"Well, they shot at us," Panaka replied matter-of-factly. "We only just managed to escape."

Padmé sighed. "Oh, well. I never really thought it was going to work."

"Should we put on our sailor costumes and give it another go? Maybe droids prefer sailors."

"No," said Padmé firmly. "Let's just go and hide in my wardrobe. It's the size of a tennis court, so it'll take them a while to find us."

However, as they hurried towards the door, the Queen and her companions were intercepted by a battalion of droids, led by Nute Gunray and Rune Haako.

"Ah!" Nute cried, grinning gloatingly. "There you are! Now, would the real Queen Amidala please step forward?"

Both Padmé and Sabé backed quickly away, leaving Panaka standing a few paces in front.

"You don't look anything like the Queen," Nute remarked, looking sceptically at Panaka. "I spoke to her earlier today, and she was definitely female."

Panaka blinked silently at the Viceroy, completely stunned.

"Well, he _was_ wearing a hydrating mask at the time," said Padmé quickly. She threw a sharp glare at Panaka, warning him that if he didn't play along, his salary would be cut in half. This meant that he would be earning... approximately zero credits per month.

"Uh, yes," he chimed in hastily. "I like to... uh, hydrate my pores."

"But you're a male," Nute pointed out. "Well, I think so, anyway."

"Yes, I am," Panaka affirmed.

"Oh, good," said Nute, looking pleased. "I'm getting better at recognising male and female humans. They are the two main human sexes, aren't they?"

Panaka nodded. "Yep. Oh, and there's also hermaphrodites."

"Hermaphro-whats?" asked Nute, raising one eyebrow. "Well, never mind that now. So if you're a man, why do you call yourself Queen?"

"I don't know... it has a nice ring to it," Panaka explained, shrugging.

One of the Battle droids stepped forward and tapped Nute on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir, but... that man was leading the group of strippers that we encountered."

"Was he, indeed?" Nute smiled nastily. "So! How do you explain _that_?"

"Well," said Panaka awkwardly, "I like to get involved in Palace activities."

Nute was silent for a moment as he digested this thought. "That's weird, but perfectly acceptable, I suppose," he said grudgingly. "Come with me, _Your Highness_, and bring your handmaidens."

There was nothing Padmé and her companions could do, except allow themselves to be marched out of the Palace and into the streets of Theed.

**Eh, it's not very long, but hopefully you liked it anyway. Reviews, pretty please? :) Oh and by the way, I'm in the process of writing and publishing a revised version of my 100 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks, with lots more detail. So if you hate Twilight and you're interested in reading about the (many) reasons why I hate it, the first section should be up today. :) Thanks!**


	5. Gunga City

**Hello! How long has it been since I updated? A while, I think. Well, here's the next chapter! Just to warn you: the first scene of this chapter is pretty much exactly the same as a little story I wrote for my collection of Star Wars ficlets (Cue Heroic Music). Sorry if you've already read it, but I kind of had to put it in because it worked so well with the story. Anyway.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, plotlines or settings of Star Wars.**

The minute the droid transport ship landed on the surface of Naboo, Qui-Gon quietly exited. He strode quickly through the forest, searching for Obi-Wan, who had mysteriously gone missing somewhere around the time that Qui-Gon had accidentally sat on the eject button. Rounding a thick clump of shrubs, he found himself facing a small lake. There was a tall alien standing knee-deep in the water, looking intently at something below the surface. As Qui-Gon watched, it suddenly plunged under the water.

Alarmed, Qui-Gon moved closer to the lake. His Force sense was tingling. This being needed his help!

"Fear not, gentle woodland creature! I will save you from your fate!" he cried, pulling off his cloak and diving heroically into the lake. As he swam powerfully through the water, he immediately spotted the alien floating near the bottom, zeroing in on a small, slimy animal. Qui-Gon seized the alien and dragged it, coughing and spluttering, out of the lake and onto the shore.

"Hold on!" Qui-Gon shouted, once the alien was safely deposited on the sand. "I will give you the kiss of life!"

The alien squawked indignantly and squirmed away from Qui-Gon. It was a very odd-looking being; tall with mottled skin, floppy ears and a long, beak-like snout. "Mesa okay, mesa okay!" it cried in a high, irritating voice. "My was just getting breakfast."

"What is your name, you slightly annoying but helpless creature?"

"Mesa Jar Jar Binks," said the alien, looking nervously at the Jedi.

Qui-Gon resolved to prevent Jar Jar from talking ever again by nailing his beak shut. He was just about to act on this impulse when the sound of energy bolts broke the tranquil silence. A moment later, Obi-Wan came racing through the trees, pursued by two droids on floating transports.

"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon shouted. "Stand and fight, you coward!"

"My lightsaber is out of batteries again, Master!" Obi-Wan shouted back.

"That's the worst excuse you've ever given me, and that includes the one about your lightsaber being at the dry-cleaners," Qui-Gon replied.

"But you believed that excuse, Master!" Obi-Wan cried.

"I was just humouring you! I'm not stupid; I know that lightsabers don't need washing."

"Can we discuss this later?" Obi-Wan gasped, dodging another spray of energy bolts.

Qui-Gon activated his own lightsaber and deflected the energy bolts back at the droids. Their transports spun out of control until they crashed and exploded into balls of flame.

Panting heavily, Obi-Wan came to a stop beside his Master. Once he had got his breath back, he glanced around, and noticed Jar Jar. The young Jedi turned and glared at Qui-Gon, his blue eyes stern.

"Oh, this is Jar Jar, by the way," said Qui-Gon, indicating the annoying alien. "I saved him from an agonising death."

Jar Jar looked surprised. "Actually, my was only looking for breakfast."

"Master, how many times have we discussed this?" Obi-Wan groaned, exasperated. "You don't save people unless they are actually in danger! Now, let's take him back to his home, shall we?" Obi-Wan sighed. Sometimes he felt like Qui-Gon was the apprentice, and _he _was the Master.

As the two Jedi and Jar Jar trudged through the forest, Qui-Gon suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"Obi-Wan," he whispered, eyes wide with excitement. "I think it was fate that I encountered Jar Jar! Which means-"

"Master, he is not the Chosen One!" Obi-Wan snapped.

"Well, how do you know?" said Qui-Gon indignantly. "You're not exactly an expert in this field."

There was a shriek and a thud as Jar Jar tripped over his own ears and fell in a heap on the forest floor.

"I have a hunch," Obi-Wan smirked.

Once Jar Jar had extracted his big toe from his nostril, Obi-Wan decided to make some polite conversation with him. "So, Jar Jar, where do you live?"

"Mesa home is Gunga City," Jar Jar replied. "It's-a bee-ootiful city, muy muy lover-ly, filled with-"

"Alright, alright, we don't need your life story," Obi-Wan interrupted hastily. "Can you take us there?"

"Um... not really," Jar Jar mumbled. "My afraid my've been banished."

Obi-Wan stared blankly at the alien for a few moments. "Say that again, slowly. And in Basic."

"I was banished, you insolent fool!"

Obi-Wan goggled at Jar Jar. "What did you say?" he gasped. The voice had definitely come from Jar Jar's mouth, but it had sounded very odd. He had spoken in a clear voice with a slightly aristocratic air.

Jar Jar shook his head back and forth, frowning. "Mesa said, my've been banished."

While Obi-Wan was still immobilised with shock, Qui-Gon appeared to have noticed nothing out of the ordinary. "I know how that feels. I was banished from the Jedi Council room after I brought in that bounty hunter who I thought was the Chosen One. Anyway, take us to Gunga City."

Jar Jar set off through the trees and Qui-Gon followed him closely, while Obi-Wan stood rooted to the spot. After a few moments, he ran forwards and seized his Master's arm.

"Did you hear that?" he hissed.

"Hear what?" said Qui-Gon absently.

"Jar Jar must have some sort of... multiple personality disorder, or something."

Qui-Gon snorted and shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous, Obi-Wan. You're just jealous because he's more intelligent than you."

They came to a stop in a small clearing beside a lake. As he stepped into the water, Jar Jar said primly, "We will shortly be commencing a submarine expedition."

"There!" Obi-Wan cried frantically. "There it is again! Say that again, Jar Jar."

The Gungan slapped himself in the side of the head a few times. "Wesa goin' underwater now, okeyday?"

"You need to get your hearing checked, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon muttered.

Jar Jar swam out further into the lake and dived underwater. Attaching breathers to their mouths, the two Jedi followed him. On the bottom of the deep, dark lake sat a network of glowing bubbles. Jar Jar made a beeline for a particularly large bubble, his feet kicking like a frog's. The Gungan and his Jedi companions touched down on a platform, and Jar Jar proceeded to stride straight through the bubble. Rather dubiously, the Jedi followed him. To their surprise, the bubble yielded easily to their touch and they were able to slide through it as if it was liquid.

Inside the luminous orb, dozens of Gungans were going about their daily business. When they saw Jar Jar, they cried out in fear and backed away from him as if he was toxic. One male Gungan screamed, "Oh, God! We're all doomed!", then leaped out of the bubble and began to swim frantically away from the city.

"I feel like we're missing something here," Obi-Wan muttered, looking suspiciously at Jar Jar.

"Nonsense," said Qui-Gon contentedly. "They're just surprised to see him; they'll calm down in a moment."

A snorting noise from behind them alerted them to the presence of a large, domesticated animal. On its back rode a male Gungan who wielded an electrified spear.

"Oh, great," he sighed. "What are you doing back here, Jar Jar? Haven't you done enough damage already?"

It was at that point that Jar Jar's other personality kicked in. "Ah, Captain Tarpals. I see you have retained your impolite manner."

Tarpals rolled his eyes. "Hello, Arthur."

Obi-Wan gave the Captain a bewildered look. "I thought his name was Jar Jar."

"His other personality's name is Arthur," Tarpals explained. "Now come with me. I'll take you to Boss Nass."

Qui-Gon started and yelped, "What? You're taking us to Bosnia? What for?"

"No, Master," Obi-Wan sighed. "He's taking us to _Boss Nass_."

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't listening."

Obi-Wan ground his teeth so violently that he felt some of his fillings come loose. "How unlike you," he growled.

**Hope you like my attempt at making Jar Jar slightly less unbearable! I mean, he's still annoying, but at least he's a bit more interesting. I would love you to review and tell me what you think. :)**


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